Thursday, April 25, 2013

Evidence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Biblical Teachings

Much as been made in the Creationism debate of just who created the Earth. Was it Jehovah, the God of the Bible? Was it Atum who ejaculated human kind into the world? Was it Ahura Mazda who made a mountain grow so high it punctured the sky and rained down all known things? 

Or maybe it the Flying Spaghetti Monster. But why her? There is no ancient evidence of her existence. She was just made up in 2005 by Teacher Bobby Henderson (blessed be his name) who was trying to prove a point. No one can even decide her gender!

But I'm here to tell you there is plenty of evidence, just as much evidence as we have for any other religion with ancient roots. You see, the Bible itself is full of references to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and her doctrines. In fact, the Bible was originally about the FSM, until it was co-opted and infected by the much later faiths of Judaism and Christianity.

Or you be realistic and assume Pastfarianism is in its infancy, that the religion only a few years old. (Because it is.) The core scriptures consist of one open letter written to American school boards, one drawing of the FSM making some mountains and a midget, a graph, and a few miscellaneous photographs taken by zealots.  There are only three tenets to the faith so far:  
  1. A Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe.
  2. The first human was a pregnant midget. 
  3. The decline in the world's pirate population is leading to global warming, hence pirates are very important.  
With just those three doctrines, and one hour, just a few months after the FSM was "invented", and using the Holy Book of another religion, I was able to find plenty of biblical support for the Pastafarian faith. The odds were stacked very much against me.  

If I can so easily reverse-engineer the Bible using confirmation bias, then what does that say about all other modern interpretations of the Bible?

Imagine if a Holy Book had been written with the doctrines of the FSM in mind all along, written and maintained by faithful Pastafarians, for thousands of years.  Imagine if they were able to choose who's life stories and biographies were put in the Holy Book, and what information would be ignored.  Imagine that thousands of the most dedicated Pastafarian clergy spent their entire lives studying that book and trying to make it fit their worldview.

Christians have misunderstood this concept of God to be a white human male on a throne, but I am unable to find any strong biblical evidence to support this.  Therefore, I am going to assume that all biblical references to "God" or "the Lord" are referring of course to the actual creator of all the universe... the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Creator is "God", then we can easily translate the word "God" to "FSM".

In my studies, I was very surprised at the emphasis the bible gives to Pasta.  So much so that I included a tiny fraction of the scriptures that speak of pasta.

Let me clarify what I mean.  Pasta is made from grain which is ground, mixed with water into a paste, and cooked.  There is no yeast in Pasta, otherwise it would rise, and be called "bread".

Since the Children of Israel were not Italian, they didn't have the word "Pasta" or "Spaghetti", but it is clear that the term "unleavened bread" can only refer to pasta.  Unleavened bread is also made by mixing grain with water and baking it.  By cutting that into strips, you have pasta of various types, or if you don't cut it, you have lasagna... which is also pasta.

Spaghetti is simply one of the thinnest-cut categories of pasta. 

Pasta played a major religious role in the lives of the Hebrews.  The Children of Israel were commanded to feast on unleavened bread, in a manner that was a type of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to remind them of His role in their lives. 

This was an especially important during the religious feast of the Passover.  Many think the Passover refers to when the destroying angel passed over the homes of the Israelites in Egypt, sparing the lives of their firstborn, however, few understand that the people had celebrated this holiday long before their captivity in the land of Egypt.  The word "Passover" actually refers to when the Flying Spaghetti Monster passed over the earth, making the mountains and trees, and one pregnant midget, thereby completing creation.

Here are some selected scriptures talking about the use of Pasta in Israelite culture:

Exodus 12:8-11:
8 That same night they are to eat the meat roasted over the fire, along with bitter herbs, and bread made without yeast. 9 Do not eat the meat raw or cooked in water, but roast it over the fire-head, legs and inner parts. 10 Do not leave any of it till morning; if some is left till morning, you must burn it. 11 This is how you are to eat it: with your cloak tucked into your belt, your sandals on your feet and your staff in your hand.
In addition to the pasta they ate in remembrance of the FSM, the meat they are to serve is clearly meatballs, which are made of the ground up bits of all parts of the animal -- the head, legs, and inner parts.
Here is another verse, condemning fluffy bread:

Duet. 16:4, "Let no yeast be found in your possession in all your land for seven days."


And a strong admonition to always partake of pasta:

Exodus 12:20, "E
at nothing made with yeast. Wherever you live, you must eat unleavened bread."

His Stringiness hates fluffy bread, and cannot stand to see it in his temples, or with his holy sacrifices:

Exodus 23:18, "
Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast."

More on the diets of the Children of Israel:

Duet 14:3-8
3 Do not eat any detestable thing. 4 These are the animals you may eat: the ox, the sheep, the goat, 5 the deer, the gazelle, the roe deer, the wild goat, the ibex, the antelope and the mountain sheep. 6 You may eat any animal that has a split hoof divided in two and that chews the cud. 7 However, of those that chew the cud or that have a split hoof completely divided you may not eat the camel, the rabbit or the coney. Although they chew the cud, they do not have a split hoof; they are ceremonially unclean for you. 8 The pig is also unclean; although it has a split hoof, it does not chew the cud.
Everyone knows that meatballs are made of cow meat, which is an animal with split hooves and which chews its cud.  Sometimes meatballs are also made from mutton or goat, but only when beef is unavailable, or if you're a Hindu Pastafarian.  If you are a vegetarian Pastafarian, you can skip the meatballs all together.

Judges 6:17-22 tells of an encounter Gideon had with an Angelic messenger from His Noodliness. Gideon is given an object lesson that reminds him of when the FSM created the mountains:

17 Gideon replied, "If now I have found favor in your [the Lord's] eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me. 18 Please do not go away until I come back and bring my offering and set it before you."  And the LORD said, "I will wait until you return."
 19 Gideon went in, prepared a young goat, and from an ephah [3/5ths of a bushel] of flour he made bread without yeast [spaghetti]. Putting the meat [meatballs] in a basket and its broth [tomato sauce] in a pot, he brought them out and offered them to him under the oak.
 20 The angel of God said to him, "Take the meat and the unleavened bread [spaghetti], place them on this rock [representing the mountains], and pour out the broth." And Gideon did so. 21 With the tip of the staff that was in his hand, the angel of the LORD touched the meat and the unleavened bread [with his noodly appendage]. Fire flared from the rock, consuming the meat and the bread. And the angel of the LORD disappeared. 22 When Gideon realized that it was the angel of the LORD, he exclaimed, "Ah, Sovereign LORD! I have seen the angel of the LORD face to face!"
Here is an inspiring account of the creation story as told in Psalm 78:

 23 Yet he gave a command to the skies above and opened the doors of the heavens;
 24 he rained down manna for the people to eat, he gave them the grain of heaven.
 25 Men ate the bread of angels; he sent them all the food they could eat.
 26 He let loose the east wind from the heavens and led forth the south wind by his power.
 27 He rained meat down on them like dust, flying birds like sand on the seashore.
And some lines from Ezekiel 24 help us understand how the Flying Spaghetti Monster was himself created, and how we may emulate him and be purified:

 10 So heap on the wood and kindle the fire. Cook the meat well, mixing in the spices; and let the bones be charred.
 11 Then set the empty pot on the coals till it becomes hot and its copper glows so its impurities may be melted and its deposit burned away.
This next reference means the meaty goodness of his Noodiliness is holy and pure, whereas the meat of the flesh is unclean.  But his holiness will not make us clean:

Haggai 2:12-13:

12 If a person carries consecrated meat in the fold of his garment, and that fold touches some bread or stew, some wine, oil or other food, does it become consecrated?'" The priests answered, "No."
 13 Then Haggai said, "If a person defiled by contact with a dead body touches one of these things, does it become defiled?" "Yes," the priests replied, "it becomes defiled."
Jesus was a great prophet of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who came to us in human form so as not to scare us.  He also abhorred yeast.  That he used it to insult his enemies showed that the Jews of the time had carried on the important tradition of their ancestors:

Mark 8:15, "Be careful," Jesus warned them. "Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod."

This story is repeated in Luke 12:1, where we come to better understand why this was an insult. Jesus taught that yeast represents hypocrisy.  It does nothing but add air to the grain, so that you think there is more to it than there really is.  The bread looks filling, but it is empty.  "Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy."

Like Jesus said elsewhere, "Man cannot live on bread alone".

Yeast also represents evil.  1 Cor 5:8, "Therefore let us keep the Festival, not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness, but with bread without yeast, the bread of sincerity and truth."

Yes, let us be touched by the Noodly Appendage of sincerity and truth!

Pirates are also an important doctrine of the Pastafarians.  The bible makes a few mentions of pirates, though back then they were called Phoenicians, and before that they didn't have a word for them.

Here is a nice poem about pirates in Judges 5:17:

Gilead stayed beyond the Jordan. And Dan, why did he linger by the ships?       Asher remained on the coast and stayed in his coves.
And Arrr! they did go sailing for Solomon, Solomon's famous pirates, who brought back much booty:

2 Chron 8:18:

And Hiram sent him ships commanded by his own officers, men who knew the sea. These, with Solomon's men, sailed to Ophir and brought back four hundred and fifty talents [doubloons] of gold, which they delivered to King Solomon.
Ahoy! that famous Dread Pirate Hiram and his fearsome crew!

Here is a prophecy.  As we all know, the pirates found refuge in the Caribbean, in the "West", and were hired by Britain to attack the Spanish in the "South":

Daniel 11:29-30:

29 "At the appointed time he will invade the South again, but this time the outcome will be different from what it was before. 30 Ships of the western coastlands will oppose him, and he will lose heart. Then he will turn back and vent his fury against the holy covenant. He will return and show favor to those who forsake the holy covenant.
As I mentioned, there are two other doctrines central to the FSM faith. As I only had once hour for research, I rested my case. I seem to recall some scriptures about stature and plenty about the end times, which could only mean terrible hurricanes and droughts caused by global warming. I would look it up for you, but I think it would be a tremendous faith-building exercise if you study it on your own.

In the name of cheese and rice, ramen. 

3 comments:

  1. possibly the single most important post in internet history - perhaps of all time!

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    1. The Rosetta Stone between the ten most influential world religions!

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  2. Inspiring. R'Amen

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